The words I couldn't say...

The reason this post is so titled is because on the way home from the Passion 2013 Conference, members of my church stood in front of the bus and said what was on their heart from that week, something they learned, etc.. I couldn't find the words or courage at that time to say what I was feeling.  I was nearly moved to tears because of all the things I realized in those moments.  

I didn't decide to go to Passion to find my faith or Jesus.  I thought my faith was as strong as it was going to get.  The very first night in the Georgia Dome with 60,000 other college students, the first thing I thought was, "Most of these people love Jesus more than I have ever loved anything." 

Just before the Passion 2013 Conference my sister and I were shopping.  We saw these bracelets in a store and something drew me to them.  They said words such as, "BLESSED," "INSPIRE," "DREAM," "LOVE," "FEARLESS," "FAITH," "FIERCE," and "BELIEVE."  I love the color purple so I looked at all of the purple ones.  I couldn't decide for awhile, so I walked away.  I had a weird feeling about one, I couldn't get the word out of my head.  I picked it up and I knew for certain that I NEEDED it.  I chose "FEARLESS."  Since then, I have been wearing it as a reminder to live life and chase my dreams.

 I was raised Catholic, so I went to religion classes every week.  I remember in first grade my teacher asked us to think about what we would do if someone came in the door right now with a gun and said, "If you believe in God I'm going to shoot you."  And she asked us to think about whether or not we would stand up.  I think about it often and my answer always remains the same.  The biggest reason why I like my church now over Catholic church is because of the messages.  I never understood how to relate what a priest said to my life.  I love that my pastor has actually lived in the world with struggles and I can actually understand how normal people live their lives and walk with Christ.  I have always believed in God and when I struggled as a teenager, I turned to prayer and had faith in Christ.  I went to church all by myself and sat in the back row by myself.  I never felt like Christ knew me or cared about me at all.  But my mother always said that God listens to the prayers of children.

I think logically. I always have. I try to make sense of everything through science and logic. With religion, I have never found answers that satisfy. I have taught myself to hide emotions and learned to be strong. But I don't make friends easily. I have learned how to distract myself when things get hard. And I'm doing just fine. I long for relationships with people, but I do just fine without them. I'm a thinker, dreamer, observer, and analyzer. So it has always been very hard for me to believe in anything. But for my whole life I have been trying.

I have always been terrified by the thought of death.  I never knew for sure that life after death existed.  But this past week for the very first time in my life, I thought about death and I wasn't afraid.  I actually felt joy.  And I have continued to think and analyze death and have not been overcome by fear.

About a month ago, I realized I was getting excited for Sundays and Tuesdays.  I was counting the days and planning my life around church on Sundays and my campus ministry meetings on Tuesdays.  I now know that I need to be living like that everyday.  Living my life in a way that helps to justify the fact that Jesus died so I could live. 

It seems that music has always greatly influenced and moved me.  During Passion, I saw the glory of God through music.  I saw talented musicians give the credit of their talents to God.  Calling themselves a tool of God's work.  That to me is so beautiful.  There were so many amazing songs and artists, but of all the worship there was one song that stood out.  "In Christ Alone"  I have heard it before, but did not recognize it.  And this one line stuck with me.  "Until He returns, or calls me home, here in the power of Christ I stand."  I think this was the Lord's way of speaking to me.  Reminding me to live and not worry, that he is waiting to welcome me home. 

These are the words I couldn't say...

I didn't go to Passion to find Jesus, but He found me and for the first time I am FEARLESS.